I FOUND IT!!!!

I found it... THE only good thing about the current situation is that I am taking my anxiety out on the zillion boxes in my house and we are FINALLY making some progress...the late nights have made way for a BOX FREE top floor!!! WOO HOOO Tylka Family... In one box in the basement today... I FINALLY found my albums and my cd with pics I'd never seen... this was the one I'd hoped would be there.


I can't believe I haven't posted since January 24th.... people are really starting to call and check in now.. they must think I'm huddled in a ball somewhere... rest assurred.. I'm ok... .well for a bit anyway...

To say that the last two weeks has been a roller coaster would be far beyond coming close to comprehension. The word OVERWHELMED doesn't begin to discribe it... I totally lost a month of my life and catching up seems impossible. I told my sister in law tonight... I am simply surviving each day.

Today I feel much better because I knew there were pictures of my dad from our wedding that I had never seen.... can you believe that ?... its been six and a half years and I've never looked at the raw video footage of our wedding or this picture of my dad. This is from the video our photographer played at the wedding. If I figure out how to run a slideshow (HELP DAVE), I'll post it this week.

My life seems to be one big rush of memories now. I was at the gas station the other day on the way to take Mary to school and BURST into tear remembering my dad teaching me how to pump gas. He took me to the "goober mall" Greengate, which doesn't even exist anymore, and took me driving... IN THE RAIN... told me I might as well learn the hard way first.

I thought Saturday had to be the lowest I've felt until sunday rolled around. The good news about this week is that I got sick... Probably another sinus infection... they seem to be every four weeks now... hummm.. Dave we have more in common than we thought. But, It was the insult to the injury, if you know what I mean. My body had taken more than it could take, and I'd begun to feel my MS kick in. I sort of "hid" from family this week because I just don't like anyone to see me like that. Nothing major.. just off.... dropping things, tripping and all round weak. I hate it. But the best news was that my body just couldn't take another sleepless night and I'd find myself falling asleep eating, talking, sitting up etc. One night at 9 pm I took one look at Tim and said, "good night" and I was GONE. It was amazing... I think Tim was actually scared.

But this week was also the week the world "expected" me to be "back"... I've got news for you all..... I won't be "back" for a while! But I did the best I could.

I needed to go do some work with some of may amazing team members in Maryland. Did I mention that somehow.... we had our best MK month EVER in January... amazing the powerful talented, devoted women I work with. In my line of work, you work when you have to so that when you can't you don't. I am so blessed to be in MK. These people are amazing. BUTTTT We had some work to do in MD and I thought this was a good time for me to get away for one day and do it. I got to about Somerset and realized this was the first time since January 12 I'd been alone. GREAT I thought... till my dad's Dove release song, "When I get where I'm going" by Brad Paisely and Dolly Pardon came on.... I cried the whole way to Maryland. When I got there I pulled it together slapped some make up on and had a great great great time with the girls. We did some great work and then I was in the car again coming home.... DITTO.

But for the first time, I felt close to Dad. I've felt so strongly that he is GONE.. far away.... untouchable. I spent lots of time thinking about how we are sooo much alike. Only a Duez would get in their car at 6 am and drive for three plus hours, do a skin care class, have a business planning meeting (PF CHANGS... nice!!! and yummy) then get in the car and drive two more hours to do another one.... THEN get BACK in the car and drive five plus home.... I got home at 4 am. It had this whole..... "Pigeon Road Trip" feel!!! It was indeed a long day.. .but worth it in so many ways. I really had a chance to think. It was good...

THEN SUNDAY... well "our Steelers" played in the super bowl. I had surprised Tim on Thursday night by telling him that we could handle getting a new tv. He's been drowling over them for months and hinting hard. You see our living room is 25 by 18.. its HUGE and we have a 19 inch tv... sad. Pathetic really. We went shopping on Friday and TIm just couldn't commit... it was a true challenge.... He knew we could do it, but SHOULD we? We here is the thing people live your life!!!! We spend SOOO much money every year doing things we have to do .... now was the time to do something we wanted to do. I thought he was going to get "the one" on Sat. but he called and said he just couldn't do it without me there.. good point, after all... HUGE deal. Well Sunday after a LONG morning at Sam's club....

Timmy is one happy man!!!! A 60 inch Sony Wega.... WOW. There is nothing like a little retail therapy.. and all this time....I'd thought shoes were there thing... THINK ELECTRONICS people.. that is where you get the biggest bang for your buck.


So we got it all ready and I was so excited for him. I know how much Dad loved his big screen and I know it meant the world to Tim. ("Happy Valentines Day, honey" to which he replied "and Christmas and birthday and anniversary and Christmas and birthday....)

He's right.

Anyway..... The game was emotional enough as it is... and we had a great time.. Tim and I haven't watched a game together in YEARS I mean it YEARS! But when it was all said and done, I was a total basket case. I cried for like, three hours. Tim didn't know what to do with himself or me! he was very emotional as well. It was a terrible night. I thought it would be great to win and feel a victory after so long.. .but it just hurt. I just kept saying, "how is this possible?" Aimee chimmed in later with "why now.. .he would love this"... She's right. and I know that he does... I know that he is watching and I know that he knows.. but it is not the same as seeing it on his face.

I miss my dad more than any words could possibly express.

In some ways it is a total challenge. I am TOTALLY fired up to go a different path. What have I been afraid of??? The true answer is "dissappointing".. I have always been afraid of letting my parents down in some way. It hurts even to write that... even silly decisions hair and stuff to big ones like like cars, houses, when to have kids etc. ALWAYS, "what will they think".....

My dad and I rarely went more than two weeks without talking. When we'd get close I'd always get a call, "WHERE YOU BEEEEEEEEN???" Just like Goldie would say. Or I'd get a messageon my cell, "DON"T YOU EVER answer your phone? " Those were Dad's "I miss you's" Last week, while at dinner I picked up my cell and for an instant thought, "Wow.. I haven't talked to Dad in while.. I'd better call before he does" and I stopped myself when reality hit.

One of our last phone calls two weeks before he died was a call when he called to tell me he went to the post office that day and saw a Mary Kay person there. He said, "Kate, she had a TON of packags, what was she doing?" I explained that it was the last week of the year and we generally run a big sale and was send products to her out of town customers. For a while dad was totally fixated on the fact that her behind was rather large and , "was that normal for a make up lady?" But then he said, "how much do you think each one of those was worth? I told him I had done the same thing only a day before and had several large boxes go.... you could hear the wheels turning..... It was hysterical... You could almost here the CHA CHING. He was so excited.... "well what do you need to do to do well here....?" Dad was always trying to help us, each of us, get ahead. Be it "gently" leading Mary's soccer coach or buying the girls "less pink" to wear to basketball. The thoughts gave me many laughts on Saturday.

What I think is that my dad loved us. All of us in our own unique ways. It SLAYS me when I think that my first thoughts after he died were IF he knew that I loved him or IF he was proud of me, the kids, our choices... he did so much in the last few months to let me know. He continues to let me know in small ways. But finally I feel it in my heart.