Bye Bye Daddy...

Dad with Emerson, Christmas 2005
Dad with Aidan July, 2005

Dad with Claire Oct 2004 Dad with Mary... his next Champ. pigeon roller... she loved it.


How could a heart so big be that weak?

Today will go down in my life's history as the second hardest day of my life. Tomorrow will be the hardest, when I have to tell my precious little angel girls that their big strong tough hero, "Pap Pap Fran" is gone.

The house is quiet now. All the poeople with red noses and drippy eyes have gone. The boys, having had SEVERAL too many are resting and Aimee is upstairs sleeping...or trying to...in bed with Fran. That is the only way to get her to rest.

My dad died today..... that just sounds rediculous.

It would be like saying the twin towers could fall before 9/11. That big ben could stop ticking, that Pittsburgh wasn't the Steel City.... this just doesn't compute. He was a force. He NEVER STOPPED... he makes me look like I stand still. Really. He was always looking for a way to make a connection. How do we know them? Who do they know? What do they do? She's from...NEVER have I gone ANYWHERE with him that he didn't know someone while we were out... it was our joke....

Last night was my "come apart"... Yesterday afternoon before dad went into surgery he showed great signs of hearing and understanding us. He even responded to David. The neuro function was evident. Everyone was encouraged and excited that this new proceedure and some treatments would help and give him a fighting chance and perhaps save his leg. But when he came back from the operation.... I just knew .. he wasn't there anymore. I think God had an amazing plan.... I needed to unfold - to totally loose it and then get very angry a the reality that I had come to understand...... I was so mad at my emotions...WHY couldn't I keep it together for Fran...... Well today I got my answer..... They needed me today. Each of my siblings had a very difficult time today, of course. And each in very different ways. Obviously it was hard for me too. But I felt a sense of peice between the moments or rage and crushing heartbreak.. and THAT is the positive spin.

I know I'm skipping around... if you think this is wild... you should hear whats going on in my head.

When we left the hospital last night, they almost had to drag me out. I just didn't want to leave him there. I just knew. Tim and I went home to shower and check on kitties, grab some clothes and come back to Fran's. I just wanted to JUMP into my car and sneak down to the hospital. They'd never know I was there all night. But Frannie would and she needed us to be there.
Fran wanted to take today and be quiet in the am. Dad's brothers were going down to the hospital with my grandfather's brother and she wanted give them some time alone with him. So we planned to go down late am. But the hospital called to let us know we needed to come and quickly. The treatments had not worked and his organs were all failing. We had to stop the madness. After five or six procedures/operations, countless bags of blood product and just tons of energy from the staff..... it just had to stop. The outlook of a heart transplant the night before was just not an option..... if he were to be kept where he was.... nothing good would come.

It all just seems like a dream....

Tomorrow is likely to be heart crushing..... I've handled most of today well. Including calling all of my dad's numerous friends to personally share the news. I couldn't let these people hear this from a newspaper. I have NEVER heard so many grown men cry in my life. Nearly everyone.....just beside themselves. My dad was a friend to everyone. He was the original good guy. My sister's boyfriend, now my brother bill....said tonight, 'he was the nicest man i've ever met... really." Mary Kate and Claire.... wow.... I can really keep it together until they cross my mind and then its like a brick truck. Mary and Dad has "that" special bond... you know the one. He loved everyone of his grandkids... but she was the first. They have been best buddies ever since. I can just remember the day she was born he just kept looking a her and saying." her face and head are perfect... there is not a thing wrong with this baby"

Dad got them Valiant the movie for christmas and they were going to watch it while he recovered..... they were so looking forward to it. I was crushed tonight to realize they didn't get to.

My biggest fear in my life was to dissapoint my parents in anyway.... I just hope he knew how much I love him. I know that I have made a lot of decisions that he flat out didn't like, but really hope that it will all turn out.

After seminar last year, I kept thinking about how proud he would be when he gets to see me earn my caddy, or become a NATIONAL sales director...even though he didn't like my choice and wished I'd stayed with teaching, he'd see what an impact my work makes and he would be proud of his girl.....He won't be on that stage with me... He won't take the first ride.

Pray for Mary Kate and Claire tomorrow will be the end of a very innocent beginning for Mary. Every time I see her picture, my heart breaks.... and as my dad's house is like a shrine to his grandkids... oye.

I'll be posting a picture a day...... dad keep every picture ever. Check back soon