No news is good news, right?

Just wanted to check in... I really mean it when I say that there are no word that can discribe how I am feeling right now.... By the time I have quiet in the house, I am too tired to be rationally explaining to anyone how I feel. Mostly I want to know how the world keeps revolving....when I feel stuck on empty.

I know there is hope and it will get better, but beyond pouring my heart, love and soul into my siblings, children, husband and moms, it is really too much to deal with the rest of the world, deadline, life-stuff...

Today I did something I thought i'd never have the strength to do ever again... I listent to "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlise. Dad and I danced to it at my wedding. By that point he was PLASTERED... he was not a drinker ... ever... but at my wedding.. he had to to have the strength to Dance with his little girl and then watch her walk out the door.

It was TREMENDOUS.... that dance symbolized to me so much of a growth step and a and coming home all in one song. Today it felt the same.... I've always listened to it since then in terms of Mary Kate.. Knowing that she and Tim will someday (if she chooses) dance to it and that my dad would be standing off in the wings looking on as my grandfather was. ... now that thought is so different....

Also for my sister who will not get that dance.... there is no DOUBT in my mind however, that he has the same pride for her that he did for me that day... and I will do EVERYTHING in my power to make her day special is other ways. ... Just as we will for Mary Kate.

No one in the Tylka household seems to be sleeping all that well... except of course Tim.. who could sleep thru a nuclear attack. The last two nights, the girls have been up through the night, which has made getting to school fun and oh so less attractive! I really am praying that tonight they just are so tired that they sleep.

Here is the Dove Release link... Funny I've never watched the footage of my grandmopther's... just couldn't.... but this I really wanted to see. http://homepage.mac.com/rnorthcraft/iMovieTheater52.html Watch it... it is so dear.

I'll leave you with this... The verse written in the Funeral card.... it really really helped me through a tough time very early this am.

FILL NOT YOUR HEARTS WITH PAIN...
Fill not your hearts with pain, and sorrow, but remember me in every tomorrow. Remember the joy, the laughter, the smiles, I've only gone to rest a little while. Although my leaving causes pain and grief, my going has eased my hurt and given me relief. So dry your eyes and remember me, not as I am now, but as I used to be. Because, I will remember you all an dlook on with a smile. Understand, in your hearts, I've only gone to rest a little while. As long as I have the love of each of you, I can live my life in the hearts of all of you.

There aren't words

Hey Y'all, just wanted to say thank you and let you know I am ok. I'm just simply exhausted. I have so much to tell you, but haven't been able to put it all into words. Tomorrow I will have the video of the pigeon release at the funeral.. it was stunning.

But tonight I'm headed for bed. Mary Kate resumes soccer tomorrow and without her pap, it is BOUND to be a tough day.

Pray for her.

And it begins...

Today is the viewing tomorrow the funeral...

I've been in a rush to get everyone looking good, because we have a lot of people to make ok.

In my moments I search for answers but know I don't have them. As you know my music helps me through so much.... this is the one that will be playing in my mind today.

WORD OF GOD SPEAK - Mercy Me

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

[CHORUS]
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice


I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

Our team player

I have always know how amazing Mary Katie is.... and would be when she grew up.... today was no exception.

After what was already a rough day of dealing with funeral arrangements, etc. Tim and I took the second longest drive of our lives (the first was to the hospital on Saturday) over to his parents house to tell the girls.

We told Mary first because I wanted to give her time to cry and ask questions. I also know her so well in that she would want to help her sister and thought her "big girl" role would give her something to do and occupy her time.

We sat her down and I started to cry. I told her I was very sad and that I had something to tell her. I asked her if she remembered when Grandma Goldie went to heaven. She said yes and I explained that pap pap's "bad boo boo" in his heart had gotten worse and that, although they had tried very very hard, the heart doctors could not fix it; that pap had gone to heaven to be with Grandma Goldie. It was as if the sunshine had been taken out of her smile. She knew is was real, she didn't even need to ask.

I told her the world needed a new cardiologist that could study and perfect mitral valve replacement and would find a way that no other family would ever have to go through this. She said that sounded like a great idea and she could do it.

She told me that she didn't want to cry "till later" and she would let me know if she had any questions. She wanted to know if grandma Fran would alone in her house. And I told her the truth.

Then I told her I'd need her to help me get Claire to understand and that we'd have to help her rmember him. So we brought Claire up stairs and As I began to tell her... Mary Kate said, "No mommy, I'll do it. Clarie Pap Pap Fran had a very bad boo boo and the heart doctors couldn't fix it. Pap Pap went to heaven to be with Grandma Goldie and Jesus"

WOW

Claire skooted over to tim and just held him. Then hey brought me a TON of kleenex... so cute...they are really trying to take care of their Mom.

She has show her pain,but won't cry.... that will come.
I told her it was ok to cry and that just under her chin deep in her chest she might feel something hurting... later she told me it was.

About an hour or so later while shopping.. she asked if the doctors tried everything and why didn't they do it right...... there are really no good answers there.



I've been so worried that Mary will never have my dad a coach...his dream.... and mine, since he was an amazing coach and a true super talent. He had a knack for motivating others and the heart of a winner. He desired nothing more than to see his players, usually female atheletes, shine. He enjoyed every minute of Mary's first soccer season and was revealing in her basketball persuits. He must have asked me fifty times the week prior to his operation if I'd gotten her signed up for indoor soccer and the winter basketball season. Maybe he knew something.

You see.. I was afraid that she missed out on his coaching...but i was wrong... she already has it.... she coached me right though my grief and showed me it would be ok.

We will get through this....

Terry E. Duez - Penn Township


Terry E. Duez, 58, of Penn Township, died Saturday, Jan. 14, 2006, at UPMC Presbyterian, Pittsburgh. He was born Oct. 8, 1947, in Greensburg, a son of the late George and Goldie (Wolfe) Duez. Mr. Duez worked on the test floor and was an expediter for the Elliott Co., in Jeannette. He also worked in the warehouse at Supervalue and was a U.S. Air Force veteran, having served in Vietnam from 1968-69. He also coached pony league baseball, varsity girls basketball at Franklin Regional and Derry, and girls basketball and softball at Penn-Trafford. Terry was an avid Pittsburgh sports fan. He loved playing fantasy football and his favorite pasttime was raising parlor pigeons, for which he would travel the country for competitions. And he also enjoyed flying pigeons. He is survived by his wife, Frances M. (Mangus) Duez, of Penn Township; four children, David Duez and his wife, Norma, of Houston, Texas, Katie Tylka and her husband, Tim, of Greensburg, Terry Duez Jr. and his wife, Sue, of Manor, and Aimee Duez and her boyfriend, Bill, of Pittsburgh; four grandchildren, Mary Kate, Claire, Aiden and Emerson; two brothers, Ronald Duez, of Canton, Ohio, and Dennis Duez, of Jeannette; his ex-wife, Karen Winfield, of Jeannette; also aunts, an uncle, four nieces and a nephew. Friends will be received from 2 to 4 and 7 to 9 p.m. Tuesday at the WILLIAM SNYDER FUNERAL HOME, 521 Main St., Irwin. A funeral service with military honors will be held Wednesday at the funeral home.

Bye Bye Daddy...

Dad with Emerson, Christmas 2005
Dad with Aidan July, 2005

Dad with Claire Oct 2004 Dad with Mary... his next Champ. pigeon roller... she loved it.


How could a heart so big be that weak?

Today will go down in my life's history as the second hardest day of my life. Tomorrow will be the hardest, when I have to tell my precious little angel girls that their big strong tough hero, "Pap Pap Fran" is gone.

The house is quiet now. All the poeople with red noses and drippy eyes have gone. The boys, having had SEVERAL too many are resting and Aimee is upstairs sleeping...or trying to...in bed with Fran. That is the only way to get her to rest.

My dad died today..... that just sounds rediculous.

It would be like saying the twin towers could fall before 9/11. That big ben could stop ticking, that Pittsburgh wasn't the Steel City.... this just doesn't compute. He was a force. He NEVER STOPPED... he makes me look like I stand still. Really. He was always looking for a way to make a connection. How do we know them? Who do they know? What do they do? She's from...NEVER have I gone ANYWHERE with him that he didn't know someone while we were out... it was our joke....

Last night was my "come apart"... Yesterday afternoon before dad went into surgery he showed great signs of hearing and understanding us. He even responded to David. The neuro function was evident. Everyone was encouraged and excited that this new proceedure and some treatments would help and give him a fighting chance and perhaps save his leg. But when he came back from the operation.... I just knew .. he wasn't there anymore. I think God had an amazing plan.... I needed to unfold - to totally loose it and then get very angry a the reality that I had come to understand...... I was so mad at my emotions...WHY couldn't I keep it together for Fran...... Well today I got my answer..... They needed me today. Each of my siblings had a very difficult time today, of course. And each in very different ways. Obviously it was hard for me too. But I felt a sense of peice between the moments or rage and crushing heartbreak.. and THAT is the positive spin.

I know I'm skipping around... if you think this is wild... you should hear whats going on in my head.

When we left the hospital last night, they almost had to drag me out. I just didn't want to leave him there. I just knew. Tim and I went home to shower and check on kitties, grab some clothes and come back to Fran's. I just wanted to JUMP into my car and sneak down to the hospital. They'd never know I was there all night. But Frannie would and she needed us to be there.
Fran wanted to take today and be quiet in the am. Dad's brothers were going down to the hospital with my grandfather's brother and she wanted give them some time alone with him. So we planned to go down late am. But the hospital called to let us know we needed to come and quickly. The treatments had not worked and his organs were all failing. We had to stop the madness. After five or six procedures/operations, countless bags of blood product and just tons of energy from the staff..... it just had to stop. The outlook of a heart transplant the night before was just not an option..... if he were to be kept where he was.... nothing good would come.

It all just seems like a dream....

Tomorrow is likely to be heart crushing..... I've handled most of today well. Including calling all of my dad's numerous friends to personally share the news. I couldn't let these people hear this from a newspaper. I have NEVER heard so many grown men cry in my life. Nearly everyone.....just beside themselves. My dad was a friend to everyone. He was the original good guy. My sister's boyfriend, now my brother bill....said tonight, 'he was the nicest man i've ever met... really." Mary Kate and Claire.... wow.... I can really keep it together until they cross my mind and then its like a brick truck. Mary and Dad has "that" special bond... you know the one. He loved everyone of his grandkids... but she was the first. They have been best buddies ever since. I can just remember the day she was born he just kept looking a her and saying." her face and head are perfect... there is not a thing wrong with this baby"

Dad got them Valiant the movie for christmas and they were going to watch it while he recovered..... they were so looking forward to it. I was crushed tonight to realize they didn't get to.

My biggest fear in my life was to dissapoint my parents in anyway.... I just hope he knew how much I love him. I know that I have made a lot of decisions that he flat out didn't like, but really hope that it will all turn out.

After seminar last year, I kept thinking about how proud he would be when he gets to see me earn my caddy, or become a NATIONAL sales director...even though he didn't like my choice and wished I'd stayed with teaching, he'd see what an impact my work makes and he would be proud of his girl.....He won't be on that stage with me... He won't take the first ride.

Pray for Mary Kate and Claire tomorrow will be the end of a very innocent beginning for Mary. Every time I see her picture, my heart breaks.... and as my dad's house is like a shrine to his grandkids... oye.

I'll be posting a picture a day...... dad keep every picture ever. Check back soon

Be Still

OK... I found them and they helped so much. You may or may not know that I am HUGE fan of christian music. It got me through some seriously tough times in MD and I miss my station here so very very much. I was right, these words help so much. I know many of you are hurting through this and perhaps God's grace and mercy will touch you as well and help to ease your pain.

Steven Curtis Chapman \ Be Still And Know
Psalm 46:10 / Zec. 2:13
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is holy
Be still oh restless soul of mine
Bow before the prince of Peace
Let the noise and clamor cease
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is faithful
Consider all that He has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
And know that He will never change

Be still
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is God
Be still Be speechless
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know He is our Father
Come rest your head upon His breast
Listen to the rhythm of His unfailing heart of love
Beating for His little ones Calling each of us to come
Be still
Be still


I won't do all of Michael W. smith's healing rain... but this is good. It is such a powerful piece of music.
Lift your heads, let us returnTo the mercy seat where time began
And in your eyes, I see the pain
Come soak this dry heart with healing rain
And only You, the Son of manCan take a leper and let him stand
So lift your hands, they can be heldBy someone greater, the great I am
Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraidTo be washed in Heaven's rain
To be washed in Heaven's rain...Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling downI'm not afraidI'm not afraid...

Hard days, long nights

Hello my friends,

I want you all to know that your support and love and prayers mean the world to me. Knowing you are praying for us and my dad just means everything. I can feel them and they are like HUGE arms wrapped around us and holding on tight.

FIRST... I just can't go through telling you the story again. We started today asking God for positive news... but it didn't come. Please please before you read the rest of this posting, go to Dave's blog and read today's entry. www.fordee.blogspot.com

I am supposed to be sleeping..... fat chance.

Today's events have been such a roller coaster ride. I am overwhelmed. I just want my dad to sit up and tell us all we are making too big a deal of this whole thing. In his famous satirical way and pittsburghese accent he's say, "WHAAAAts all the excitement about???"

My dad is one of true supermen of all time. You know the scene in Superman where he looses his powers... that is hard to watch.... same deal here.

Please pray that his body will begin to heal... Send prayer like healing rain. (there is a song called healing ran... I'll look that up next)

I cant and dont want to sleep and the next person who tells me to rest is going to get smacked... I know I need to..... but I can't. Its not that i'm afraid i'll miss something, I just don't want to face reality in the morning like today... its too raw.

I told dad tonight that he had to get better because frankly, he has seen me play basketball, and he just doesn't want Mary Kate to have to go through life with her mother as her primary sports influence. That would just be wrong.... after all he DID go and buy her two whole new basketball outfits because I sent her there in all pink!

I haven't seen my girls since tue. It is starting to get to me, but I simply can't allow them to see me like this or worry about Dad. My dad is my daughter's hero.... he is her touchstone. I just can not have her see this situation. The girls are at my mother-in-laws... thank goodness. They are having fun and playing and hopefully are totally unaware. Mary still thinks I'm in Atlanta and we'll just keep it that way for a while.

My dad can make pigeons roll, hoops sink, family laugh and little girls giggle. He and mary play a kissing game where he tries to kiss her,but she won't let him. Then he says, 'oh look at the big bird on the table over there" and he kisses her. But she never lets him kiss her on the lips. It is sooooo cute and funny and dear. He can do all this with style charm and grace.... how can such a huge heart filled with love for so much be nearly stopped? I just don't get it.

we have had a lot of laughs today and if my dad knew that the whole family was sitting around laughing and crying and loving each other,he'd be very happy.. He just wants his family to be happy.... that's it. I was THRILLED he responded to dave...because he responded to me so much and I wanted that for them.

I'll be happy when we get some good news. There has been none and with each new news....it is just too much to take.

Please pray for him.... we need dry lungs and the dead tissue to stop. We need the potassium to go away and the heart to strenghthen. We need him to feel touched my the power of a god who can do anything.

My aunt Robin was with us all day and she is just amazing. I don't know what I'd do with out her. She said so much tonight that made me feel better. This family will get through this. It is amazing what a group of people who love each other can do.

I went to the chapel tonight in what had to be my weakest moment. The wall in the front of the room said, "Be still and know that He is here" There are 26 letters there by the way... its hard for me to be still. But it is true. God's roadmap is so much bigger than ours.

It is time for me to try and be still.

Please pray.... much love,
katie

Crushing Reality

Now generally, I'm in my pink bubble..... Happy and determined to make life better for others.

This am... I'm waking up trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

Sleep is totally overrated, you see because the reality of waking up is just simply CRUSHING>


I was in the airport on Wed buying motrin and kleenex... imagine that..... and I heard this song playing. The clerk was singing it like an an angel. Literally singing it to me. For a secondI thought I was ina music video...... The song has stayed with me....... It goes through my mind constantly.....

Here are the words

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm onJesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh


I'm going to see my big brother today and I'm hoping that that helps.

OK...

Time for an attitiude change.

GOD created a WORLD in seven days....... this is just one giant man sized heart full of love... This love is pure and cares about grandchildren, pigeons and basketball. There is no evil here. There is no hate there is nothing but love... GOD IS working miracles here.... He is still stable.. and God makes all things new.... today is a new day... it is time for some good. Good news. Good laughts, good hugs, good prayers.

Good things will happen to us today. God so loved the world..... good will come today.

Thanks for checkin in... pray for my step mom and siblings and mostly my daddy....
Mr. Duez's little girl.

PLease pray... We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.

The blogger is far too tired to edit.. so please indulge without a red pen.... my hands are really lazy tonight.)

Today while in the hospital cafe in Pgh, I read a quote from Dr. King, which I think is biblically referenced, but I'm not sure what the exact reference is.... But paraphrased... It is not how we handle our successes that defines our character, but how we handle our crisis and challenges.

WOW.. That could be the quote of the day.

I barely know how to start...

We visited my dad on Tue. night and let the girls have some time with him. He had to have all his teeth removed, so he was in a lot of pain and discomfort. It was great, but now seems like a million years ago.

Wed we reported to the hospital at 5 am. Since I decided not to sleep the night before (if a decision is not being able to...) I was already a bit crazy going in.

I had told my self that I'd be able to get a later flight to Atlanta and my dad would be out of the operation before I left... I spent a lot of the day busying myself with making sure my flight was arranged for the latest departure. I just knew that it would be ok.. He'd be fine. I'd go to GA, and come home just in time for him to feel himself and get quality time with him.

His operation was over 10 hours long.. much longet than we'd thought. When I got on the plane he was still in surgery, but I was just sure everything would be ok.

I landed in GA and checked my messages. Tim had called and said he had "news"... that didn't sound good.

Dad was out of surgery, but his heart would not pump on its own and he was on a heart by pass machine. It was serious... they'd need to go in again and replace the valve and if that didn't work, we'd be looking at a transplant. I was totally devistated and I felt TERRIBLE for leaving, althoughI felt a sneaking suspicion that I was supposed tobe ther. IT turned out ot be good, because you can have a MUCH better "come apart" in an airport with a zillion strangers than you can in hospital waiting room with your baby brother and sister... even if they are 25 and 27!

MY MK SISTERS totally picked my up (almost literally once from the airport and once from pure exhaustion). There is NO BETTER group of women... such power.. such encouragement and love. Thank you Pam, Barb, Crystal, Terri and especially Noel for being my persoanl angels today.

They convinced me to eat and get some rest and examine my flight options in the am. I went to bed after a call from my younger brother asking that I come home. The phone rang at 445... dad was being rushed into surgery to stop internal bleeding. Before my feet hit the ground. Noel and Crystal had my bags packed, me dressed and Delta contacted. They rushed me to the airport and I was ona plane by 715! It was amazing.

By the time I landed in PGH at 9:15, dad was out of surgery and the bleeding was under control. He lost 14 pints of blood overnight. He had a total transfusion and they were still pumping it. My AMAZING and WONDERFUL husband met me at the door at the hospital. Dad was really in bad shape They wanted me to help them wake him up from the medically imposed coma they had him in so they could assess neurologic function. I am blessed that he responded and we had a pseudo-converstation... of sorts. He was responding to instruction and moving his body parts.

There was on issue... his right leg wasn't responding well, but he was able to giggle it a bit.

I was there with him until 2. I kept telling him that he had to be a fighter that we HAD to give Frannie (my step mom) some good news and that Mary Kate and Claire were ready for their next basketball lesson.. he needed to get strong fast and OPEN THOSE EYES.

He did at a few points open his eyes. He winked or squeezed our hands... It was so so so hard to not let him see me cry... I kept trying to tell him I loved him. But it was too hard to do it without crying. The nurse (BTW...WHAT an amazing staff.... amazing. Jen our nurse.. wow. The support staff... seriously people.... UPMC Pittsburgh needs to give these popela medal... amazing. ) thought his leg was improving and she'd be getting him cleaned up and moved a bit and I'dbe back in a few hours. I left to get food to my family and change.

When we returned, the nurse said she paged a Vascular Surgeon to come look at his leg. It wasn;t getting enought oxygen. She told us that he needed a procedure that may not work, frankly, but was the only way to save his leg. SAVE HIS LEG??? This is a heart issue!

He has had the procedure and they are watching to see if he will need to have his leg removed.... There are simply not words that I can use in the english language to express my total shock....

So now we wait to see if it works and we pray that it all goes well........................They will still n eed to get the heart stronger and hopefully working on its own before they do this all over again and try and get him a heart valve replacement.

I am trying to stay positive and thank GOODNESS for MK, our I wouldn' t have the "tools" to handle this. But this simply put is more an I EVER thougth would EVER happen.

It is just stunning.

My Dad is a fighter and he'd do ANYTHING for his kids and his grandchildren. I know he will fight through his and he will coach mary .... after all, that is what she wants and she ALWAYS gets what she wants from her PapPap Fran!

Please pray for the whole family. My brother Dave is coming in tomorrow...I am so glad. I miss him and it sort of feels like a fourth wheel is missing. Dad will be happy to know he is here I'm sure.

I'm too tired to type anymore. Pray for Dad. I love you ... thanks for checking in.. My brother dave has some great pics of dad and a wonderful blog... www.fordee.blogspot.com

I can't get the computer to spell check, so you; ll have to forgive my typos

DADDY DUEZ update.

Dad's heart surgery did not take place today. Instead it will take place next Wednesday.

BUT it will be done and we are excited that he is a candidate for the new Minimally Ivasive DaVinci Robot Arm Heart surgery… (See http://www.intuitivesurgical.com/products/davinci_surgicalsystem/ and http://newsbureau.upmc.com/Medsurg3/daVinci05.htm.

His cardiologists Dr. Lopez-Candales http://findadoc.upmc.com/PhysicianBioQuery.aspx?ID=25002803&A=UPMC-PR, and Dr. Daniel Pellegrini (http://findadoc.upmc.com/PhysicianBioQuery.aspx?ID=25001308&A=UPMC-PR) are wonderful and took amazing care of him yesterday. Dr. Pelligrini's staff is amazing. Prior to that surgery, he will a undergo dental surgery first.

Dad adds, " A couple nice sites to explain this whole situation from the UPMC is http://newsbureau.upmc.com/Medsurg3/daVinci05.htm and one from Cleveland Clinic show videos of repairing a valve http://www.clevelandclinic.org/heartcenter/pub/guide/disease/mini_invasivehs.htm . These sites explain the surgical procedure in detail."

Please keep Dad, my step mom Fran and the family in your prayers. As always I pray very visually and with detail and ask our always gracious God for the wisdom and knowledge of Drs. Lopez-Candales and Pellegrini and their entire staff. Never really prayed for a robot before, but the heck!

Thanks to you all.

tylkas

tylkas