Friday's are the Hardest

The final version of Dad's dove release.......

http://homepage.mac.com/rnorthcraft/iMovieTheater52.html

My cousin Christie did an excellent job... what a gift. I have to say....seeing a video camera at a funeral.... wierd...but this is just priceless.....

I have to sy that Friday's are the hardest...... because it just gives you the "let down time:" that you need to think.... Friday is always the toughest. Tonight I finally started my thank yous to friends... I've worked like a dog to get all the "official" thank you's out fromt he first days... but everything that came in in the last days and most specifically from my closest friends, has sat there. I just couldn't deal with it because I thought it would be too painful... So to those of you wondering why the rude grieving girl hasn't said thanks... its finally coming.

This week was the most profound Friday since the week he died. It was because I went back to "life as normal" this week, holding appointments, talking to clients, and making money...now there is a concept!!! It actually was the best personal week I've had in a REALLY long time. And although the distraction is nice... the reality when you done isn't!

This just makes it all final... its the last bit of stuff I HAD to do. But I'm looking forward to being done now. I said earlier to day, "you'd think it would get easier....but it just doesn't" There are just less tears now... except when I watch the release.

Thanks to you all for hanging in there with us!

Mary Kate..... "ain't she GREAT!"

We used to sing that song to MKT when she was a baby... the verse ends... "she's as sweet as chocolate CAKE!"

Mary did a great job at the CAT scan. It was a HUGE challenge. But Thankfully, our AWESOME aunt Robbie went with us to keep us all sane. She and Rob buddied up while I delt with where we were to go, who we needed to see, insurance, etc. Then when it came to time to go into the test I was not suprized when she said she wanted Robbie to go with her (I told her it was her choice... I knew I was all keyed up and might make her more nervous). Of course, it wasn't easy... she has such tiny viens, they couldn't find one large enouch to advance the needle through.. so they had to try THREE TIMES.... it was a challenge... See she wasn't supposed to have any needles or sedation, but they had to override the docs order and do contrast. I was fine with it, because I expected it and knew it would give the best picture.

Well. She was shaken.... see we told her if she did a great job, she could go get her ears pierced. You see to you and me, that means MORE NEEDLES, BUT to MKT, that is SOCIAL FREEDOM.. all the (and if you are MKT, you say this with your hand on your hip and you raise your squeeky voice) "POP----U-LARRRRR" (popular) girls... those are the "cool" girls in Kindergarten!!!!! All the cool girls have ear rings...... and they change them with each season.. If it is snowing... snowflakes. Spring..... flowers... I'm not kidding... they check their ears in the am at school. And she had just gone to a party on Sunday where "MARRRRISSSSSSA got her pierced ears!!!!" Well... when she came out of the test, she said she didn't want it...but quickly she changed her mind.

She picked August's birthstone peridot.... I told her it was mine too, and she was all excited. Aunt Robbie also got her a pair of soccer balls, basket balls, PINK guitars, and penquins... CAN YOU SAY SPOILED??????

We'll go back in a few weeks and get an earring holder, too... we have to find something for her to "earn" that for... maybe doing her kitty litter chores for a week!!!!! COOL.

She called Aunt Aimee and said, "I got my pierced ears and I 'handled' it!!!!"

Anyway the doctor called later in the day... have I told you I LOVE this pediatrician and want to switch them over to her.... and said that the film looked good... (you gotta love this) "NO tumor... (great... but also makes your heart skip a beat when you KNOW they were looking for it.. I mean, I figured, but nobody SAID IT!!!!) No mass, no blockage, no stone in the gland." All that is really good. But leaves us to say, that it is "probably" recurrent salivary or parotid infection and she should continue her course of antibiotic for the 10 days. Then we should watch closely to see if it comes back.

She did say that the achy legs and fatigue does concern her..... because that doesn't associate with the infection. And that there is a chance that it is something called Sjogren's syndrome.

I looked that one up for you....

Sjogren's syndrome is an autoimmune disease, that is, a disease in which the immune system turns against the body's own cells. In Sjogren's syndrome, the immune system targets moisture-producing glands and causes dryness in the mouth and eyes. Other parts of the body can be affected as well, resulting in a wide range of possible symptoms.

It does make a lot of sense...she wants Tim and I to discuss it and get back to her and see if we want her worked up for it... from my research it looks like that will just be a blood test... can't hurt to check. Because there seem to be some pretty simple meds for it. Maybe it would help. It would explain why she rubs her eyes so much and has the dryness in her throat.

It does concern me as MS is an autoimmune disease, as is Lupus, which a cousin has and some other conditions in the family. I think I'll have her check to be certain. If Sjorgen's is the primary issue, then your good. If it is a secondary there can be other issue occuring at the same time.... We'll see.

ORRRR maybe it is simply a recurrent infection....... either way...... it sucks to see your baby's face swollen that much... but I know it could have been so much worse. So that is all good.

Thanks for keeping her in your prayers. I feel MUCH better about it. Because I knew what they were looking for WORSE case and just couldn't handle that... but luckily we have an extra angel in heaven looking out for her, so its ALLL GOOOD.

Update on Mary Kate

Hey y'all... (I miss my southern "roots"!!! )

Look at Little Mary Sunshine!

Mary saw a pediatrician Tuesday. She is WONDERFUL. Iloved her. She and her medical student gave Mary Kate an excellent once over. My only reservation was that she was not at all familiar with the symptoms that MKT has nor had she ever heard of some of the things we have to do to stimulate the salivary glands.... ie. sour candy, fruit, juice, lemons, etc. This helps to stimulate the saliva and if there is something going on in the salivary gland or parodid, it a) hurt her very much, but helps bring the swelling down.

She sent us for blood work.. what a joy. MKT is so so so funny... I told her that getting blood work is no big deal and that... best case senerio... she'd know if she was ready to get her ears pierced.. for which she's been begging. Well she screamed, but handled it well. At the end, "I think I'm not ready to handle getting my ears done, Mom, we'll have to wait till I'm seven or eight!" Too cute.

They did a cbc, cem 7 (told you I watched too much ER in my day) and a HBS or c, can't rememebr that one... also an Epstein Bar which is the mono test. They also did a strep culture, just in case. Everything came back fine. So I breathed a big sign. The doc had asked me to cancel her ENT appt. that she wants her to be seen by a Pediatric ENT specifically at Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh. They did a phone consult and the doc there wants her to have a CT Scan on Tue am. They are going to try and do it without sedation so that the same thing doesn't happen again. My awesome Aunt Robin is going to go with me to help keep the girl still and quiet. A CT, if they have the newer equiptment is much quicker than an MRI, so I'm hoping she is just fine.... I'm sure we'll brib her with something awesome. It should work as long as she doesn't panic.. .which is what she did with the blood work. But I am sure she'll be fine.

The Doc at Children's said she thinks that it is likely to be either an infected salivary gland, or a blocked salivary or parodid gland, which could include a "stone" much like a gall stone or kidney stone. Sometimes they come out with manipulation and sometimes you have to go in and get them. They have put her on an antibiotic, and say they'll need to watch her closely over the next few weeks/months to see if it comes back... she'll have to have the RX every time, so they may need to put her on a mantainance RX, which would mean an antibiotic every day..... time will tell on that. And the CT will help.

Her swelling comes and goes as is the MO. The pain does too. We can usually tell by her mood, which has been fierce lately. She is super tired too, so maybe it is an infection...we'll see.

Say a prayer for the little lady.... she's so cute. I got this picture today.. delevoped an old roll of film hoping that their might be some shots with my dad and the girls. But it was from her preschool graduation last year... She'll be so excited to see them.

My Mary Kate

I thought today would be a challenge because it was our first day back to basketball without my dad... ironically, that was the easy part.

Last night, as we were coming home from my Grandmother's when Tim mentioned that Mary Kate was complaining of being sore "under her knees and inside her elbows"... now she has shown a LOT of fatigue lately, but I chalked it up to our bizarre schedule and odd sleep pattern coupled with our general stress. But it occurred to me that another student had been diagnosed with mono earlier in the school year. We'd been sort of monitoring her lately as she's had some headahces and what seemed to me allergies.. I was thinking maybe a sinus infection, but I thought.. ok, I'll make an appointment tomorrow and see what they say. We'll see how she is in the am.

To be totally honest, I was so tired early this am, I didn't even think of it. Until I went to take Mary's jammies off and get her ready for school.. She screamed out... "don't touch my face".

IMMEDIATELY I knew what was wrong.. she we've been down this road several times. When we lived inMD, she had a swollen parotid gland. The docs were concerned for something fishy because it just wouldn't go away. Over a period of several long months of her crying because her face hurt... we eventually went to a few ENT's. The last being the parent of oneo f my students. Thanks to his bright wife, we were able to get her into Walter Reed as soon as any swelling would occur. Long story short... they wanted to do a biopsy to be sure that it wan't anything to be concerned about. It was a sedated MRI and it went BAD... they gave her too much sedation, then couldn't get her out, she aspirated, choked, and flat lined in front of us twice!!! It was an aweful day and weekend.. She turned out fine. They never got the biopsy because the swelling went away. The docs were too concerned to put her through anything else and basically said, "lets just assume it was a swollen salivary gland" unless anything else happens... There was almost no other glandular involvement and it seemed she was out of the woods.

That was almost two years ago... Now here we are again.

So not wanting to take any chances, I called the doc before they even opened. They could only get us in the late afternoon. We've never seen this doc, but he was pretty great with her. He is a family doc a PCP, basically.... so he referred her to a pediatric specialist tomorrow and she'll see another ent next wednesday. But after tonight, I may ask the doc to speed that up...

Her axillary glands (under her arm pit) are all swollen and red... they look like a red apricot. And they are painful to touch.

She remembers rather clearly what happened the last time and I just want it be smooth... but I am really nervous... I am taking NO PRISIONERS!!!! These docs are going to find out what this is.... and why it keeps coming back... I've had it. I am really not ready to deal with any more doctors right now.... but it what we'll have to do.

I'm really nervous tonight. It could and probably is just a simple glandular infection... but man.. this is like the fifth time we've been through this with her.. the last was messy. Seems odd to me. OHHH and don't look it up under webmd or anything.. .just makes you sick to your stomach to think about the options...

Tonight.. I'm going to go think happy pink thoughts that it is all some simple infection and we will start again fresh tomorrow. So much for getting a lot accomplished today!

She's all worried she'll be too sick to go to school tomorrow and it the Valentine's day party... big happenings for a five year old, you know! After all she did write DYLAN's card FIRST!!!


OHHH and she LOVED basket ball practice... they had twenty kids.. .TWO girls... wow... She and the other girl are on the same team. Dad would be glad though cus the other little girl is more agressive and MKT. Mary tends to be "too kind" in my dad's opinion on the court. Both bball and soccer. She is having way tooo much fun to be aggressive. She just want to be nice and not take the ball from anyone... my angel.....

But she really had a good time tonight.. Thanks to Robbie and Gracie for coming to the game. She was so excited you were there. As much as she hates "being watched" she wants some one to watch her... she is too much.

So every Monday at 5:30 I'll be doing bball with her. Claire starts on Wed... That should be a blast. She had so much fun showing Gracie how to "dwibble".. She said, "look my pap taught me". She is right. Dad spend some long hours out in the driveway. MKT didn't want to go in.... he kept telling me at practice.. "calm down, she has lots of time, I'll teach her what the coaches miss".. He was wrong. But she learned so much from him about it and she'll always have the love of the sport FROM him.

It will be hard to watch her grow up on that court without him... but he would want her out there as much as possible and that is what we will do. We could hardly get her off the court tonite.. the girl LOVES to play.

Love Remains

We need some positive....

Amidst the struggle of details, arrangements, finances, and insurance companies..... there is one GLARING and superior message that rings through my head. So much so that I have been writing this entry in my head for weeks... thinking "when I find the picture...."

My dad would be so proud. His four kids. We were his "it". He loved Frannie and she was his world, his side kick, his touchstone... but I think he spent his days and nights CONSTANTLY thinking about one of us. "how can I get them to do....." WHy are they doing...." "If only she could see that....." "When he/she is ready..... " Too, he also seemed to share his big plans for one of us with the others....leaving the one to think.... hummm He never could keep a secret!!!!

He would be so proud of how we are all coming through this. I know he is watching and I know he IS proud. His Fancie is being taken care of and he knows that we have all be put her first, using our each individual talents that are coming so keenly into play right now. Terry is like the CEO he is the commander, surveying and designing the master plan. Sue is the Executive Administrator, the woman has a serious brain in her head... she's smarter than all of us, and she is the single most organized human being I have ever met (sorry Jean, but you two could hold the Iron Chef of Organization....) I am the Executive Director... I don't take any thing from anyone... and I am in charge of all communications......Even had a doctor call me back today... impressive. My cell phone LITERALLY snapped in half today.... that has to be a sign that I need to shut my big mouth. Aimee is in charge of hospitality, solace and the homestead....making sure there are enough hugs, cuddles, cups of tea and when needed..... NO PHONE CALLS. Bill has all things electronic and digital (imagine that!) and is the handsome smile that saves the day... its sooo cool that he has such a big smile, because the house is missing one these days. David seems to have the expression department covered. When we can't express what we are feeling... we just read the blog. Emotional connections complete. I think he is also a remote for Both Frannie and Karen, to call when things here all seem way to real. It is such a vital role and it has helped them both.

The grands.. well.. they've got it all wrapped up in the hugs and smiles department. Emerson seems to be laughing out loud at nothing...... but maybe something.. or someone, is making her giggle....:-)

I am so proud of my sibs.... I just can't stand it. Above all the detail, and "stuff" that needs done these days...... we are all here for one another... it is a beautiful thing and sourrounding it is a love that we will never loose. Because Dad taught it to us.... support and encourage, motivate and console, challenge and support, tease tease tease and laugh.... but above all.... love your family.

Love you guys!

I FOUND IT!!!!

I found it... THE only good thing about the current situation is that I am taking my anxiety out on the zillion boxes in my house and we are FINALLY making some progress...the late nights have made way for a BOX FREE top floor!!! WOO HOOO Tylka Family... In one box in the basement today... I FINALLY found my albums and my cd with pics I'd never seen... this was the one I'd hoped would be there.


I can't believe I haven't posted since January 24th.... people are really starting to call and check in now.. they must think I'm huddled in a ball somewhere... rest assurred.. I'm ok... .well for a bit anyway...

To say that the last two weeks has been a roller coaster would be far beyond coming close to comprehension. The word OVERWHELMED doesn't begin to discribe it... I totally lost a month of my life and catching up seems impossible. I told my sister in law tonight... I am simply surviving each day.

Today I feel much better because I knew there were pictures of my dad from our wedding that I had never seen.... can you believe that ?... its been six and a half years and I've never looked at the raw video footage of our wedding or this picture of my dad. This is from the video our photographer played at the wedding. If I figure out how to run a slideshow (HELP DAVE), I'll post it this week.

My life seems to be one big rush of memories now. I was at the gas station the other day on the way to take Mary to school and BURST into tear remembering my dad teaching me how to pump gas. He took me to the "goober mall" Greengate, which doesn't even exist anymore, and took me driving... IN THE RAIN... told me I might as well learn the hard way first.

I thought Saturday had to be the lowest I've felt until sunday rolled around. The good news about this week is that I got sick... Probably another sinus infection... they seem to be every four weeks now... hummm.. Dave we have more in common than we thought. But, It was the insult to the injury, if you know what I mean. My body had taken more than it could take, and I'd begun to feel my MS kick in. I sort of "hid" from family this week because I just don't like anyone to see me like that. Nothing major.. just off.... dropping things, tripping and all round weak. I hate it. But the best news was that my body just couldn't take another sleepless night and I'd find myself falling asleep eating, talking, sitting up etc. One night at 9 pm I took one look at Tim and said, "good night" and I was GONE. It was amazing... I think Tim was actually scared.

But this week was also the week the world "expected" me to be "back"... I've got news for you all..... I won't be "back" for a while! But I did the best I could.

I needed to go do some work with some of may amazing team members in Maryland. Did I mention that somehow.... we had our best MK month EVER in January... amazing the powerful talented, devoted women I work with. In my line of work, you work when you have to so that when you can't you don't. I am so blessed to be in MK. These people are amazing. BUTTTT We had some work to do in MD and I thought this was a good time for me to get away for one day and do it. I got to about Somerset and realized this was the first time since January 12 I'd been alone. GREAT I thought... till my dad's Dove release song, "When I get where I'm going" by Brad Paisely and Dolly Pardon came on.... I cried the whole way to Maryland. When I got there I pulled it together slapped some make up on and had a great great great time with the girls. We did some great work and then I was in the car again coming home.... DITTO.

But for the first time, I felt close to Dad. I've felt so strongly that he is GONE.. far away.... untouchable. I spent lots of time thinking about how we are sooo much alike. Only a Duez would get in their car at 6 am and drive for three plus hours, do a skin care class, have a business planning meeting (PF CHANGS... nice!!! and yummy) then get in the car and drive two more hours to do another one.... THEN get BACK in the car and drive five plus home.... I got home at 4 am. It had this whole..... "Pigeon Road Trip" feel!!! It was indeed a long day.. .but worth it in so many ways. I really had a chance to think. It was good...

THEN SUNDAY... well "our Steelers" played in the super bowl. I had surprised Tim on Thursday night by telling him that we could handle getting a new tv. He's been drowling over them for months and hinting hard. You see our living room is 25 by 18.. its HUGE and we have a 19 inch tv... sad. Pathetic really. We went shopping on Friday and TIm just couldn't commit... it was a true challenge.... He knew we could do it, but SHOULD we? We here is the thing people live your life!!!! We spend SOOO much money every year doing things we have to do .... now was the time to do something we wanted to do. I thought he was going to get "the one" on Sat. but he called and said he just couldn't do it without me there.. good point, after all... HUGE deal. Well Sunday after a LONG morning at Sam's club....

Timmy is one happy man!!!! A 60 inch Sony Wega.... WOW. There is nothing like a little retail therapy.. and all this time....I'd thought shoes were there thing... THINK ELECTRONICS people.. that is where you get the biggest bang for your buck.


So we got it all ready and I was so excited for him. I know how much Dad loved his big screen and I know it meant the world to Tim. ("Happy Valentines Day, honey" to which he replied "and Christmas and birthday and anniversary and Christmas and birthday....)

He's right.

Anyway..... The game was emotional enough as it is... and we had a great time.. Tim and I haven't watched a game together in YEARS I mean it YEARS! But when it was all said and done, I was a total basket case. I cried for like, three hours. Tim didn't know what to do with himself or me! he was very emotional as well. It was a terrible night. I thought it would be great to win and feel a victory after so long.. .but it just hurt. I just kept saying, "how is this possible?" Aimee chimmed in later with "why now.. .he would love this"... She's right. and I know that he does... I know that he is watching and I know that he knows.. but it is not the same as seeing it on his face.

I miss my dad more than any words could possibly express.

In some ways it is a total challenge. I am TOTALLY fired up to go a different path. What have I been afraid of??? The true answer is "dissappointing".. I have always been afraid of letting my parents down in some way. It hurts even to write that... even silly decisions hair and stuff to big ones like like cars, houses, when to have kids etc. ALWAYS, "what will they think".....

My dad and I rarely went more than two weeks without talking. When we'd get close I'd always get a call, "WHERE YOU BEEEEEEEEN???" Just like Goldie would say. Or I'd get a messageon my cell, "DON"T YOU EVER answer your phone? " Those were Dad's "I miss you's" Last week, while at dinner I picked up my cell and for an instant thought, "Wow.. I haven't talked to Dad in while.. I'd better call before he does" and I stopped myself when reality hit.

One of our last phone calls two weeks before he died was a call when he called to tell me he went to the post office that day and saw a Mary Kay person there. He said, "Kate, she had a TON of packags, what was she doing?" I explained that it was the last week of the year and we generally run a big sale and was send products to her out of town customers. For a while dad was totally fixated on the fact that her behind was rather large and , "was that normal for a make up lady?" But then he said, "how much do you think each one of those was worth? I told him I had done the same thing only a day before and had several large boxes go.... you could hear the wheels turning..... It was hysterical... You could almost here the CHA CHING. He was so excited.... "well what do you need to do to do well here....?" Dad was always trying to help us, each of us, get ahead. Be it "gently" leading Mary's soccer coach or buying the girls "less pink" to wear to basketball. The thoughts gave me many laughts on Saturday.

What I think is that my dad loved us. All of us in our own unique ways. It SLAYS me when I think that my first thoughts after he died were IF he knew that I loved him or IF he was proud of me, the kids, our choices... he did so much in the last few months to let me know. He continues to let me know in small ways. But finally I feel it in my heart.